Learning When to Hold ‘Em and When to Fold ‘Em

Wendy Boorn, M.C., L.P.C.
www.MothersOfAdultChildren.com

Sometimes I am baffled about what action to take, or not take, when it comes to addressing issues with my loved ones. Even when I feel totally justified about being upset, one guideline I follow is to resist the urge to act impulsively. I let some time pass so that my wounds can start healing before I say something I might later regret.

Then I think through the likely consequences of bringing up a difficult issue, and, if I realize that doing so will hurt or cause defensiveness, I wait until I’m certain that this is a risk worth taking. Meanwhile, I remind myself that seldom, if ever, do my dear family members intend any harm, and I stay open to messages that may offer me direction.

About a month ago, my young adult grandson Kevin did something that I found very hurtful. His action, or, rather, inaction, was part of a larger pattern not unusual for 21 year-olds, especially males, but it cut me to the core, especially since I have gone way above and beyond to make his senior year in college extra special.

At first, nothing but retribution seemed satisfying: I wanted to hurt him as he had hurt me, and I nurtured fantasies of not speaking to him and of withdrawing financial support. I fanned the fire of righteous indignation by compiling a list of all I’d done for him in recent months and how little he had done for me. Before long, I had dragged into my speech everything but the kitchen sink, and I was searching for a way to include that.

As the weeks wore on, my rage softened to hurt, and the hurt was tempered by my remembering that Kevin had a few things on his mind besides his grandma, including taking final exams, saying goodbye to long-time friends and preparing to leave the college cocoon to step into the glaring lights of Real Life. I became increasingly glad I had waited. And then, today, I received the message that helped me let this hurt go, in two haiku poems my precious brother-in-law Bob Mieger wrote during the past year, after he knew he was dying of glioblastoma, the most aggressive type of brain cancer.

CELEBRATE

Time’s short – let’s party!

Choose the best of each moment

Love myself and you.

 SET FREE

Find what’s important

Let go of everything else

And set yourself free.

 Thank you, Bob, for continuing to inspire me from the great beyond.

Brother Bob with granddaughter Molly, Seattle, 2011.

Bob showing off the crab harvest.

 
Conversations with Cinthia:
Guest: Wendy Boorn, Psychotherapist and Author of I Thought I'd Be Done by Now, which is written for mothers of adult children.

Listen to the live interview on-line today, Monday April 22, 2013, at 6 pm

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/conversationswithcinthia

The Courage to Be Vulnerable

Today I’d like to share a story about the small miracles that can occur when two people have the courage to share vulnerably.

First, some background: Because he’s always lived within a mile of me and, along with his mom, even lived with me for a time, Kevin, age 21, feels more like my son than my grandson. From pre-school through high school, I attended his games, recitals, competitions and concerts. I helped him through the downs of middle-school angst and the ups of playing his French horn in the All American Marching Band during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I have done my best, with notable lapses, to model honest and authentic communication and have always encouraged Kevin to do the same.

Now – moving on to our recent Spring Break at the beach. We watched gorgeous sunsets over the ocean, visited an art museum, ate fresh fish, and went whale watching. Exhausted, I was glad to get a break, since I have been maintaining my full-time practice while getting “I Thought I’d Be Done by Now” ready to publish.

I did follow up with Kevin about the many projects he has in the works as he completes his senior year of college. I do know that sometimes I let my fear about his future drift into a need for control. Though aware of some occasional tension, I brushed it off until my precious grandson told me that he was feeling as though he couldn’t say anything to please me, that I was coming off as Ms. Perfect, and that he really loved the two times I had admitted a flaw and would really like it if I would acknowledge some others.

Though it wasn’t easy to admit, I realized then that I had been coming off as a drill sergeant, minus the cussing. I gradually became aware that, afraid of the increased exposure accompanying my book’s publication, I was feeling quite vulnerable, and, rather than express my feelings, I hyper-focused on Kevin. I apologized and agreed to do better, and – here’s the small miracle – he forgave me and the tension was gone.

The rewards are great when we have the courage to be vulnerable in our relationships.

Though I won't be able to respond to all posts, I will read your comments and share a few entries which seem relevant to the subject matter. Thank you for sharing.

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Book Launch - Just in Time for Mother's Day!

To purchase the book, visit Wendy’s website www.MothersofAdultChildren.com
To follow Wendy’s blog, go to www.ithoughtidbedonebynow.blogspot.com

JUST IN TIME FOR MOTHER’S DAY!

ANNOUNCING the release of WENDY BOORN’S NEW BOOK, entitled

I THOUGHT I'D BE DONE BY NOW: HOPE AND HEALING FOR MOTHERS OF ADULT CHILDREN SEARCHING FOR PEACE

Are you a worried mid-life mother or father looking for direction? A friend, family member, or adult child who knows such a parent? A mental health or other helping professional looking for a resource for your clients? Or someone just interested in learning about family dynamics? Then THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU!

 

Parents of adult children are more concerned than ever, and with good reason: 68 percent have at least one grown child with one or more serious issue, including but not limited to divorce, drinking, drugs or illegal activities. More than one-third of 25- to 34-year-olds live with their parents. Depression, addiction, and suicide among young adults have tripled in the last thirty years.

 

"Wendy Boorn’s book is the perfect Rx for mothers with broken hearts.”

Suzanne G., English teacher and mother

 

Since studies indicate that their children’s well-being is a major determinant of their own well-being, many parents are suffering. They worry about whether their adult children will ever grow up, and they blame themselves that they haven't. In addition, they are distraught about how strained their relationships are with their kids, and they struggle to find ways to relate.

 

“Wendy’s wise and practical counsel has made all the difference in relating to my young-adult twin daughters. For the first time in years, our Thanksgiving was peaceful.”

Joanne D., author and mother

 

I Thought I'd Be Done by Now is a book of 183 one-page stories and essays offering guidance and inspiration for parents who worry about either the problems of their adult children, their relationships with them, or both. A combination of comfort and challenge, inspiration and guidance are administered with gentle compassion and a light touch. These stories help guilt-ridden parents feel calmer and more competent.

 

An index of topics refers readers to entries on 38 themes, including:

• Learning to let go of worry and guilt
  
  
• Allowing our dreams for our children to die
  
  
• Learning to laugh at ourselves
  
  
• Improving financial boundaries
  
  
• Discerning whether and when to give advice
  
  
• Detaching from the drama
  

Although I Thought I'd Be Done by Now was written specifically for mothers, fathers find it helpful, too. This book allows readers to build the “soul muscles” of curiosity, courage, humor, humility, creativity, forgiveness, persistence, and love. It addresses the delicate balance between holding on and letting go.
 

 

About the Author: Wendy Boorn, M.C., L.P.C., is a psychotherapist with 35 years of experience. Specializing in training people to create deep and respectful connections, she helps parents learn how to stay close to their adult children without interfering. She lives in Phoenix, Arizona, happily just one mile from her adult daughter.


To purchase I Thought I'd Be Done by Now, please visit Wendy’s website at www.MothersofAdultChildren.com. A $2.00 PER-BOOK DISCOUNT will be available through Mother's Day. The book will also soon be available on most e-readers.

 

Would you like to follow Wendy’s blog? These stories will include practical suggestions, guidance and lessons dedicated to a future of doing better without judging where we are right now! To receive notice via e-mail when a new blog posts, go to www.ithoughtidbedonebynow.blogspot.com and add your e-mail address to the box below “FOLLOW BY E-MAIL,” then click on "SUBMIT."

Wendy would appreciate your passing along this notice to anyone you know who might be interested in learning more about effective parenting. Thank you in advance for your support of this project.

T"hough I won't be able to respond to all posts, I will read your comments and share a few entries which seem relevant to the subject matter. Thank you for sharing."

• To make a comment from blogspot.com: Please write in the “Post a Comment” box or click on “No Comment” to reveal the comment box. 


• To make a comment from mothersofadultchildren.com: Please click on www.ithoughtidbedonebynow.blogspot.com and then write in the “Post a Comment” box. If white box is not visible, click on “No Comment” to reveal the box.

 

Welcome to I Thought I'd Be Done by Now

Welcome!

Welcome to the I Thought I’d Be Done by Now blog! I am excited to be able to share some of what I’ve learned as a therapist and a parent and to give you a forum for sharing your struggles and triumphs. Although my book and website are geared specifically toward mothers, these blog posts will be appropriate for mothers, fathers, adult children hoping to understand their parents, or anyone wanting to improve family relationships.

I come to this project with an open and humble heart and a desire both to share my journey and to continue to grow right along with you. What I like to write about is what feels alive to me at the moment, usually either a current situation between me and my kids or grand kids or a story I’ve just heard from a client or friend. Some themes I will be developing in this writing will include how we as parents can:

1. Be emotionally honest and vulnerable with ourselves and others.

2. Take responsibility for our mistakes, past and present, with gentle acceptance.

3. Live increasingly in the present moment, rather than in the past or future.

4. Admit to our need for personal growth and cultivate a desire to learn.

5. Let go of control, despite being terrified.

6. Learn to laugh at ourselves with soft and loving eyes.

7. Develop self-compassion: the art of thinking and speaking kindly to ourselves.

Practical suggestions, guidance, and lessons will also be offered regularly. I recognize that we are all works in progress, trudging along, likely doing the best we can as parents and human beings. That doesn’t mean we can’t, or won’t, do better. Here’s to a future of doing better and being better without judging where we are right now! May this writing help you remember that you are not alone.

If we choose to practice conscious, open-hearted parenting, it helps if we feel connected to others committed to this road less traveled - otherwise, it’s just too hard. 

Though I won't be able to respond to all posts, I will read your comments and share a few entries which seem relevant to the subject matter. Thank you for sharing, Please click on the envelope below or on link www.ithoughtidbedonebynow.blogspot.com and then envelope.