Learning When to Hold ‘Em and When to Fold ‘Em

Wendy Boorn, M.C., L.P.C.
www.MothersOfAdultChildren.com

Sometimes I am baffled about what action to take, or not take, when it comes to addressing issues with my loved ones. Even when I feel totally justified about being upset, one guideline I follow is to resist the urge to act impulsively. I let some time pass so that my wounds can start healing before I say something I might later regret.

Then I think through the likely consequences of bringing up a difficult issue, and, if I realize that doing so will hurt or cause defensiveness, I wait until I’m certain that this is a risk worth taking. Meanwhile, I remind myself that seldom, if ever, do my dear family members intend any harm, and I stay open to messages that may offer me direction.

About a month ago, my young adult grandson Kevin did something that I found very hurtful. His action, or, rather, inaction, was part of a larger pattern not unusual for 21 year-olds, especially males, but it cut me to the core, especially since I have gone way above and beyond to make his senior year in college extra special.

At first, nothing but retribution seemed satisfying: I wanted to hurt him as he had hurt me, and I nurtured fantasies of not speaking to him and of withdrawing financial support. I fanned the fire of righteous indignation by compiling a list of all I’d done for him in recent months and how little he had done for me. Before long, I had dragged into my speech everything but the kitchen sink, and I was searching for a way to include that.

As the weeks wore on, my rage softened to hurt, and the hurt was tempered by my remembering that Kevin had a few things on his mind besides his grandma, including taking final exams, saying goodbye to long-time friends and preparing to leave the college cocoon to step into the glaring lights of Real Life. I became increasingly glad I had waited. And then, today, I received the message that helped me let this hurt go, in two haiku poems my precious brother-in-law Bob Mieger wrote during the past year, after he knew he was dying of glioblastoma, the most aggressive type of brain cancer.

CELEBRATE

Time’s short – let’s party!

Choose the best of each moment

Love myself and you.

 SET FREE

Find what’s important

Let go of everything else

And set yourself free.

 Thank you, Bob, for continuing to inspire me from the great beyond.

Brother Bob with granddaughter Molly, Seattle, 2011.

Bob showing off the crab harvest.

The Courage to Be Vulnerable

Today I’d like to share a story about the small miracles that can occur when two people have the courage to share vulnerably.

First, some background: Because he’s always lived within a mile of me and, along with his mom, even lived with me for a time, Kevin, age 21, feels more like my son than my grandson. From pre-school through high school, I attended his games, recitals, competitions and concerts. I helped him through the downs of middle-school angst and the ups of playing his French horn in the All American Marching Band during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. I have done my best, with notable lapses, to model honest and authentic communication and have always encouraged Kevin to do the same.

Now – moving on to our recent Spring Break at the beach. We watched gorgeous sunsets over the ocean, visited an art museum, ate fresh fish, and went whale watching. Exhausted, I was glad to get a break, since I have been maintaining my full-time practice while getting “I Thought I’d Be Done by Now” ready to publish.

I did follow up with Kevin about the many projects he has in the works as he completes his senior year of college. I do know that sometimes I let my fear about his future drift into a need for control. Though aware of some occasional tension, I brushed it off until my precious grandson told me that he was feeling as though he couldn’t say anything to please me, that I was coming off as Ms. Perfect, and that he really loved the two times I had admitted a flaw and would really like it if I would acknowledge some others.

Though it wasn’t easy to admit, I realized then that I had been coming off as a drill sergeant, minus the cussing. I gradually became aware that, afraid of the increased exposure accompanying my book’s publication, I was feeling quite vulnerable, and, rather than express my feelings, I hyper-focused on Kevin. I apologized and agreed to do better, and – here’s the small miracle – he forgave me and the tension was gone.

The rewards are great when we have the courage to be vulnerable in our relationships.

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