Learning When to Hold ‘Em and When to Fold ‘Em

Wendy Boorn, M.C., L.P.C.
www.MothersOfAdultChildren.com

Sometimes I am baffled about what action to take, or not take, when it comes to addressing issues with my loved ones. Even when I feel totally justified about being upset, one guideline I follow is to resist the urge to act impulsively. I let some time pass so that my wounds can start healing before I say something I might later regret.

Then I think through the likely consequences of bringing up a difficult issue, and, if I realize that doing so will hurt or cause defensiveness, I wait until I’m certain that this is a risk worth taking. Meanwhile, I remind myself that seldom, if ever, do my dear family members intend any harm, and I stay open to messages that may offer me direction.

About a month ago, my young adult grandson Kevin did something that I found very hurtful. His action, or, rather, inaction, was part of a larger pattern not unusual for 21 year-olds, especially males, but it cut me to the core, especially since I have gone way above and beyond to make his senior year in college extra special.

At first, nothing but retribution seemed satisfying: I wanted to hurt him as he had hurt me, and I nurtured fantasies of not speaking to him and of withdrawing financial support. I fanned the fire of righteous indignation by compiling a list of all I’d done for him in recent months and how little he had done for me. Before long, I had dragged into my speech everything but the kitchen sink, and I was searching for a way to include that.

As the weeks wore on, my rage softened to hurt, and the hurt was tempered by my remembering that Kevin had a few things on his mind besides his grandma, including taking final exams, saying goodbye to long-time friends and preparing to leave the college cocoon to step into the glaring lights of Real Life. I became increasingly glad I had waited. And then, today, I received the message that helped me let this hurt go, in two haiku poems my precious brother-in-law Bob Mieger wrote during the past year, after he knew he was dying of glioblastoma, the most aggressive type of brain cancer.

CELEBRATE

Time’s short – let’s party!

Choose the best of each moment

Love myself and you.

 SET FREE

Find what’s important

Let go of everything else

And set yourself free.

 Thank you, Bob, for continuing to inspire me from the great beyond.

Brother Bob with granddaughter Molly, Seattle, 2011.

Bob showing off the crab harvest.

The Power of Encouragement

My 44-year-old client Ruben went through his fourth chemical dependency treatment program a year ago and has been clean and sober ever since. A drug addict since his early teens, at no previous time has his sobriety lasted longer than six months. He freely admits that his totally willingness to do whatever is suggested to him by his sponsor and the professionals involved in his care has made all the difference. “I tried it my way long enough to know that doesn’t work – now I’m finally learning to follow directions.”

 For the first time, Ruben has added individual therapy to his 12 Step membership. He is working on family concerns, previously unresolved grief, and the self-esteem issues related to physical and sexual abuse. He attends daily meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous; does service work at his church; works the 12 Steps with his A.A. sponsor; spends quality time with his daughter; receives glowing reviews at his job; recently became a non-smoker; and is whittling down his debt. He smiles broadly whenever I see him and feels deeply thankful to have another chance at life.

Recently I asked Ruben what brought him back time and again to treatment, when each time he had started out committed to sobriety and then lost his recovery. Many people in this position become so demoralized and discouraged by their failures and the people they have hurt that they simply give up on getting better.

Ruben answered immediately, “It was my ex-mother-in-law Ella – she was the only person in my life who never gave up on me. She always told me that she believed in me, that I was an amazing guy and that I was smart. She said that my addiction wasn’t the real me, and that she knew I had what it took to get and stay clean and sober. I played her words over and over in my mind a lot, and, eventually, when I got really sick of myself, her belief in me, when I had none, would lead me back to treatment. I am forever grateful.”

 

Never underestimate the power of encouragement to help our children become their best selves.