Our Children, Our Teachers

I just completed a lovely email exchange with a colleague who had purchased my book and wrote to thank me for “blessing all of us mothers with your insightful, wise book.” In this case, it was Carole who blessed and inspired me.

This kind and accomplished therapist had previously shared that she had been grieving the inconceivable: the recent death of her adult son. But the details she shared in her email brought tears to my eyes. After reading some of my book, Carole explained “I found myself waking in the wee hours of the morning thinking of all the lessons my deceased mentally ill son had taught me over the past 40 years.” Just one of the transformational lessons her son taught her was “how to offer unconditional love under extreme duress.”

Carole’s son’s serious mental illness brought untold heartache to himself, his family and others. She could have turned her back on him and no one would have blamed her. And, yet, somehow, she realized that her son could help her evolve as a human being. What she learned from him did not emanate from how he functioned or his treatment of her, but, rather, from how she reacted to how he behaved. She made the decision to learn to love him no matter what, and, as a result, he knew he was loved right up until his life ended.

What a great gift this mother gave to her son. Carole believes her son offered her the gift of learning what a mother’s love is really about. Still another contribution has benefited many besides her son: “Because of his life challenges, I decided to get my Masters in Clinical Social Work, and that was the smartest decision I could have ever made. His death has deepened my understanding and sensitivity and opened my heart so that I can guide those who lay their suffering before me.” And so this son’s gift to his mother keeps on giving.

 

Searching for what we can learn from our children and their life experiences empowers us and prevents us from feeling like victims.

The Power of Encouragement

My 44-year-old client Ruben went through his fourth chemical dependency treatment program a year ago and has been clean and sober ever since. A drug addict since his early teens, at no previous time has his sobriety lasted longer than six months. He freely admits that his totally willingness to do whatever is suggested to him by his sponsor and the professionals involved in his care has made all the difference. “I tried it my way long enough to know that doesn’t work – now I’m finally learning to follow directions.”

 For the first time, Ruben has added individual therapy to his 12 Step membership. He is working on family concerns, previously unresolved grief, and the self-esteem issues related to physical and sexual abuse. He attends daily meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous; does service work at his church; works the 12 Steps with his A.A. sponsor; spends quality time with his daughter; receives glowing reviews at his job; recently became a non-smoker; and is whittling down his debt. He smiles broadly whenever I see him and feels deeply thankful to have another chance at life.

Recently I asked Ruben what brought him back time and again to treatment, when each time he had started out committed to sobriety and then lost his recovery. Many people in this position become so demoralized and discouraged by their failures and the people they have hurt that they simply give up on getting better.

Ruben answered immediately, “It was my ex-mother-in-law Ella – she was the only person in my life who never gave up on me. She always told me that she believed in me, that I was an amazing guy and that I was smart. She said that my addiction wasn’t the real me, and that she knew I had what it took to get and stay clean and sober. I played her words over and over in my mind a lot, and, eventually, when I got really sick of myself, her belief in me, when I had none, would lead me back to treatment. I am forever grateful.”

 

Never underestimate the power of encouragement to help our children become their best selves.

 
Conversations with Cinthia:
Guest: Wendy Boorn, Psychotherapist and Author of I Thought I'd Be Done by Now, which is written for mothers of adult children.

Listen to the live interview on-line today, Monday April 22, 2013, at 6 pm

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/conversationswithcinthia

Book Launch - Just in Time for Mother's Day!

To purchase the book, visit Wendy’s website www.MothersofAdultChildren.com
To follow Wendy’s blog, go to www.ithoughtidbedonebynow.blogspot.com

JUST IN TIME FOR MOTHER’S DAY!

ANNOUNCING the release of WENDY BOORN’S NEW BOOK, entitled

I THOUGHT I'D BE DONE BY NOW: HOPE AND HEALING FOR MOTHERS OF ADULT CHILDREN SEARCHING FOR PEACE

Are you a worried mid-life mother or father looking for direction? A friend, family member, or adult child who knows such a parent? A mental health or other helping professional looking for a resource for your clients? Or someone just interested in learning about family dynamics? Then THIS BOOK IS FOR YOU!

 

Parents of adult children are more concerned than ever, and with good reason: 68 percent have at least one grown child with one or more serious issue, including but not limited to divorce, drinking, drugs or illegal activities. More than one-third of 25- to 34-year-olds live with their parents. Depression, addiction, and suicide among young adults have tripled in the last thirty years.

 

"Wendy Boorn’s book is the perfect Rx for mothers with broken hearts.”

Suzanne G., English teacher and mother

 

Since studies indicate that their children’s well-being is a major determinant of their own well-being, many parents are suffering. They worry about whether their adult children will ever grow up, and they blame themselves that they haven't. In addition, they are distraught about how strained their relationships are with their kids, and they struggle to find ways to relate.

 

“Wendy’s wise and practical counsel has made all the difference in relating to my young-adult twin daughters. For the first time in years, our Thanksgiving was peaceful.”

Joanne D., author and mother

 

I Thought I'd Be Done by Now is a book of 183 one-page stories and essays offering guidance and inspiration for parents who worry about either the problems of their adult children, their relationships with them, or both. A combination of comfort and challenge, inspiration and guidance are administered with gentle compassion and a light touch. These stories help guilt-ridden parents feel calmer and more competent.

 

An index of topics refers readers to entries on 38 themes, including:

• Learning to let go of worry and guilt
  
  
• Allowing our dreams for our children to die
  
  
• Learning to laugh at ourselves
  
  
• Improving financial boundaries
  
  
• Discerning whether and when to give advice
  
  
• Detaching from the drama
  

Although I Thought I'd Be Done by Now was written specifically for mothers, fathers find it helpful, too. This book allows readers to build the “soul muscles” of curiosity, courage, humor, humility, creativity, forgiveness, persistence, and love. It addresses the delicate balance between holding on and letting go.
 

 

About the Author: Wendy Boorn, M.C., L.P.C., is a psychotherapist with 35 years of experience. Specializing in training people to create deep and respectful connections, she helps parents learn how to stay close to their adult children without interfering. She lives in Phoenix, Arizona, happily just one mile from her adult daughter.


To purchase I Thought I'd Be Done by Now, please visit Wendy’s website at www.MothersofAdultChildren.com. A $2.00 PER-BOOK DISCOUNT will be available through Mother's Day. The book will also soon be available on most e-readers.

 

Would you like to follow Wendy’s blog? These stories will include practical suggestions, guidance and lessons dedicated to a future of doing better without judging where we are right now! To receive notice via e-mail when a new blog posts, go to www.ithoughtidbedonebynow.blogspot.com and add your e-mail address to the box below “FOLLOW BY E-MAIL,” then click on "SUBMIT."

Wendy would appreciate your passing along this notice to anyone you know who might be interested in learning more about effective parenting. Thank you in advance for your support of this project.

T"hough I won't be able to respond to all posts, I will read your comments and share a few entries which seem relevant to the subject matter. Thank you for sharing."

• To make a comment from blogspot.com: Please write in the “Post a Comment” box or click on “No Comment” to reveal the comment box. 


• To make a comment from mothersofadultchildren.com: Please click on www.ithoughtidbedonebynow.blogspot.com and then write in the “Post a Comment” box. If white box is not visible, click on “No Comment” to reveal the box.

 

Welcome to I Thought I'd Be Done by Now

Welcome!

Welcome to the I Thought I’d Be Done by Now blog! I am excited to be able to share some of what I’ve learned as a therapist and a parent and to give you a forum for sharing your struggles and triumphs. Although my book and website are geared specifically toward mothers, these blog posts will be appropriate for mothers, fathers, adult children hoping to understand their parents, or anyone wanting to improve family relationships.

I come to this project with an open and humble heart and a desire both to share my journey and to continue to grow right along with you. What I like to write about is what feels alive to me at the moment, usually either a current situation between me and my kids or grand kids or a story I’ve just heard from a client or friend. Some themes I will be developing in this writing will include how we as parents can:

1. Be emotionally honest and vulnerable with ourselves and others.

2. Take responsibility for our mistakes, past and present, with gentle acceptance.

3. Live increasingly in the present moment, rather than in the past or future.

4. Admit to our need for personal growth and cultivate a desire to learn.

5. Let go of control, despite being terrified.

6. Learn to laugh at ourselves with soft and loving eyes.

7. Develop self-compassion: the art of thinking and speaking kindly to ourselves.

Practical suggestions, guidance, and lessons will also be offered regularly. I recognize that we are all works in progress, trudging along, likely doing the best we can as parents and human beings. That doesn’t mean we can’t, or won’t, do better. Here’s to a future of doing better and being better without judging where we are right now! May this writing help you remember that you are not alone.

If we choose to practice conscious, open-hearted parenting, it helps if we feel connected to others committed to this road less traveled - otherwise, it’s just too hard. 

Though I won't be able to respond to all posts, I will read your comments and share a few entries which seem relevant to the subject matter. Thank you for sharing, Please click on the envelope below or on link www.ithoughtidbedonebynow.blogspot.com and then envelope.